Kris and I had been trying off and on to have another baby. I had kinda given up and said I was done. Then in June 2017 I had been feeling really off for a while and June 24th while at work I decided to use my lunch to go to Walmart and buy a pregnancy test. Got back to the store and took the test. The urine barely touched the test and it was positive. I took a photo and took the test to Freda and i was instantly happy and scared all at once. I sent the photo to Kris, knowing he wouldn't see it til he woke up in the morning. Well around 530am Kris called me and asked me if i was joking. I said "no" and he cried with joy.
Well I got my first appointment which also was also when I first saw my baby girl. She was 11weeks old when I first met her. I saw her again at 13weeks. She was growing along and we were overjoyed to see her. Though at that point i was convinced she was definitely a boy. It was mostly 50/50 on the gender debate with everyone. My next appointment, mom, dad and Gram were able to go. They loved hearing her heart beat on the Doppler. 143 beats per minute and she was kicking away.Fast forward to the day of my 20 week anatomy scan. They wonderful day in which we were going to find out her gender. The day I looked forward to my whole pregnancy. The day others waited for so they could start shopping. Kris and I joked as we drove up to Bridgeport. I said "what if Freda's right and there's one hiding?" and we laughed. We also reminded each other of the names we chose. Talked about how Dad liked the OB choice. We got in there and signed in at the desk and sat and watched Becca play with the table top toy they had in the waiting room.
Finally my name was called. We walked back anticipating the heartbeat and gender. We told Becca to look at the screen. The tech said she'll look at my vitals first and then go to baby. Well she was quiet for some time and i was kinda concerned but thought maybe she's not that talkative. Then she put the wand down and took a deep breath and looked at me and said "the baby does not have a heartbeat" and i yelled at her that she was lying. I started screaming and crying hysterically. She took Becca out of the room to have a snack and watch videos. She also grabbed Dr King. He came in and i was in total hysterics. Everyone did what they could to calm me down. I didn't want to hear any of it. I wanted her to be wrong. I wanted to wake up from a nightmare I thought i was having. Dr. King went to another appointment before coming back to me. A chaplain showed up and he caused more rage in me than comfort. When Dr King came back in, he discussed the options we had. He said it would be best to have the baby at the hospital than to have the baby at home. So Kris and I agreed to go home and come back the next morning with mom and dad.
We arrived at the hospital at 10am. Walking through the halls of the Maternity ward ripped me apart in the worst kind of way. I saw a couple newborns on my way to my room and i wanted to die. I got to my room and just cried and cried. I met two absolutely wonderful nurses, Tammy and LeAnn. They were the most loving nurses I've ever met in my life and so caring. I asked (well begged) for a second look to make sure she wasn't wrong. Everyone, including Kris, said that doing so would be so much harder on me. So we decided against it. Then at around 1230pm they brought me the first round of Cytotec to get everything started. I held them for about 10 minutes before I took them, knowing as soon as i took them, it was the beginning of the end. I knew it was in fact the end of my new babies life. Finally i took them. And cried for another 30 minutes. When i finished crying the contractions started. They weren't too bad. Manageable but annoying. The second dose was around 430 the contractions again were annoying but manageable. Then later they came stronger and i was given pain meds and i fell asleep for a little bit.
When i woke up Aaron was on his way up. Soon they came back to check on me and let me know around 800 i will get my next dose. I talked with Aaron a little bit and got some stuff off of my chest and he said that what i was feeling was normal. I really didn't want to continue. Got my next dose and we were off to the races. I was in so much pain, the contractions were right on top of each other for the next hour. Dr King checked me and i was at a 2. So i was given more pain meds. 30 minutes later i had to go to the bathroom and just before 11pm, I gave birth to a perfect little human.
They brought me to the bed and brought the baby to the side room to get cleaned up. Then wrapped in the quilt mom made for the baby, they said "It's a girl" and I cried. I held that perfect little girl and examined her little body over and over. I loved on her and touched her feet and hands. Hugged her beautiful figure and just stared in wonder at her beautiful face. I watched as Kris loved on her. I knew he just wanted to lay her on his chest and and listen to her breath while she slept. Aaron admired her from afar. Mom cried as she loved on her. Dad was reluctant at first and when he finally took her, he didn't want to let her go. He wanted to breathe life into her and have her cry out. I prayed that God would give her life while i held her. I did not want to give her up to anyone. I wanted to keep her in my arms. But after so long i knew i had to give her up.
Then we got home and had to deal with funeral preparations. That is one thing that just tears you apart as you go along. The anxiety it creates is overwhelming. We had to go to the funeral home and choose flowers, coffin (didn't know they made them so small), songs, bible verses, etc. Well we got that done and had to wait for the memorial day and the funeral. Picking out the burial plot is a whole new kind of pain i never wanted to endure. But was a necessary thing that was part of her story.
Monday September 18th 2017 we had her memorial. A lot of friends and family showed up to help us grieve. When Kris and I walked in, we both just completely broke down when we saw the tiny little casket at the front of the church. Aaron held us both. It was hard walking into that room and seeing that. But we sat through it! Our friends and family came in and embraced us both. Letting us both know we are loved and they were there if we needed them. After everyone left Kris and I stayed in with Sarah and cried and prayed and touched to say some sort of goodbye.
Tuesday September 19th 2017 we had the funeral. Kris and I were there first of course, we sat with her for a bit before people came in. Then Dad got up and read a prayer to her and i cried. Kris followed and his letter had me in tears as well. Aaron officiated the service and his words were so loving and touched me in so many ways. Kris and i had many break downs during the service. There were many songs and the last one, which Kris picked, "Go Rest High On The Mountain" by Vince Gill. Kris had completely broken down. Dad came to our comfort.
We then drove to the cemetery to say our final goodbyes before she was laid to rest. Dad read a letter to her and i lost it. After everyone was done I sat down and didn't want to leave her. I just wanted to sit there forever.
Now I am here. I have my three beautiful babies and one beautiful butterfly. I am going to heal but for now I will have to learn to be ok in knowing she is in God's loving arms until she can be in mine again.
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