In early April of this year I discovered I was pregnant with baby #4. Kris and I were overjoyed. We were gonna wait to tell, but Kris just couldn't, the Sunday after we found out, we told his parents. I had overly exaggerated symptoms. So I did feel something was wrong but I had to wait to get covered by insurance. One day in Mid-May I passed a large clot and started bleeding. I broke down screaming. I called Deedee and asked her to take me to the ER. Kris met us there and she went home so she didn't have to sit and wait. They did bloodtests and an ultrasound and I discovered at 9w5d I had miscarried my beautiful baby and he/she went to meet our Heavenly Father.
I took it so hard and hated myself and my body. But unlike what I've read online and seen of other women, I was able to accept it within a couple weeks. I had plenty of support and love to help me through. I still have a lot of hang ups about it and still sometimes cry about it, but am at peace with it and know that God has it all in His glorious hands.
At the beginning of July, our Grow Pastor, Brian Gilmore, did his sermons on Romans 8. The Monday after the first week, I REALLY read the Bible. I did it for me, not for a plan, or because someone said "hey read this". After I read (first one I read was I Samuel 1) and I just broke down and fell to my knees and really truly prayed to God as if He were right there holding my hands. I have grown so much closer to Him in these short weeks, but in the process, Satan has attacked so much harder, than he ever has.
This morning I told Kris that I felt like I was climbing a cliff and every time I got to the top, it seems I was thrown back down just to have to climb back up. He smiled and simply said "stop climbing and let Him carry you".
It lifted so much off of me in that small instant.
God is so good!
Matthew 6: 26 has been the verse I've carried with me these past couple of weeks and it helps to just repeat it when I feel like I'm drowning.
And then I count my blessings!
